Fresh off their tour of the greater Western Spiral Arm of the galaxy, =The Phenomenauts= are now gearing up for a tour of the Great American West Coast. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Waitaminnit! Even traveling at near-light speeds, a trip around just the Milky Way would take a few thousand years! What gives?”  They traveled back in time before they took off, Duh. Might I add that the boys are looking younger than ever.

On a related note, there are rumors going around that Corporal JoeBot 2.0 and Captain Chreehos got themselves into a little trouble somewhere in the vicinity of Gamma Velorum A. Seems they take their foosball pretty seriously out there. They will be missed.

Taking their places are new and improved models =Leftenant AR-7= on space guitar and space vocals, and =Chief Nick Wayzar= on space double bass. 

I haven’t seen them in action yet, but I’ve been thoroughly assured that thighs will be quivering with anticipation for miles around. Mothers! Lock up your daughters! And then go see =The Phenomenauts= at one of the locations in timespace below. ‘Cause let’s face it. All the promiscuous sex is being wasted on the youngin’s. They wouldn’t even know what to do with a fine piece of =Space Man= if they had the chance. You deserve it, Mothers In Love’s Friendship of America! Go get ‘em!

Catch =The Phenomenauts= at the following stardates:

March 13: Portland, OR @ THE SATYRICON w/Punk Group & Maldroid
March 14: Seattle, WA @ EL CORAZON w/Punk Group & Maldroid
April 2: Hollywood, CA @ THE KNITTING FACTORY w/Peelander-Z
April 3: Berkeley, CA @ ASHKANAZ w/Peelander-Z, The Secretions, and Tabaltix
April 4: Petaluma, CA @ THE PHOENIX THEATRE w/Peelander-Z, The Secretions, and Tabaltix
April 5: San Jose, CA @ NICKEL CITY Arcade w/Peelander-Z
April 11: Sacramento, CA @ THE BOARDWALK w/The Secretions, Cobra Skulls, and Ashtray

And: Coming Soon!
=The Phenomenauts= official box of gravity! Automatically calibrated to your planet! Pre-order soon at the Silver Sprocket store!

UPDATE! Click below for an interview with =Leftenant AR-7=! Secrets revealed!

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I remember a time when Trix came in fruit shapes, and an order of French Toast Sticks came in one size. The world is a changing place. I’m too young to be old, dammit! Too young to ‘remember when’.

The Secretions, however, aren’t. They’re perfectly old enough to bitch about the past, bumble around town, “This Starbucks used to be a Rock ‘n’ Roll parlor. I saw The Ramones here in 1923.” And we say “Whatever you say, Grandpa Secretion, time to take your ear medicine.” These jerks great, great guys are featured in multiple interviews in fashionable periodicals in this, the present. RAZORCAKE’s done a real nice job talking these guys up here. FRINGE, too, wrote a little something here.

You can read these interviews by clicking their respective links, or by swinging by your local news vendor and picking up a hard copy.

Their new album, GREASY HOT MEAT CHEESY (widely rumored to be a remake of The Who’s 1971 greatest hits album, Meaty Beaty Big And Bouncy), drops sometime this summer. I think. I could be wrong. Hey, I’m no reporter, just a chronic masturbater with a keyboard.

You can catch The Secretions at The Boardwalk in Orangevale, CA, on April 11, with Cobra Skulls, Ashtray, Brian Hanover, and The Phenomenauts. Be there, or be an asshole.

Secretions photo courtesy (stolen from) Secretions Flickr

More upcoming Secretions shows:
Feb 20: Stockton, CA @ The Blackwater
Feb 21: South Lake Tahoe, CA @ Whiskey Dicks
Feb 25: Folsom, CA @ Powerhouse Pub
Feb 27: Sacramento, CA @ The Distillery w/ Druglords of the Avenue
Feb 28: Portland, OR @ Hawthorne Theater
March 1: Chico, CA @ The Maltese
April 3: Berkeley, CA @ The Ashkenaz w/ The Phenomenauts
April 4: Petaluma, CA @ The Phoenix Theatre w/ The Phenomenauts
April 11: Orangevale, CA @ The Boardwalk w/ The Phenomenauts, Cobra Skulls, Ashtray

Eoin and I just spent a week traveling the West Coast with our new man-lovers Andrew Jackson Jihad.  For the uninitiated, these two play kind of folky punk um.. I don’t know how to explain, but they are face-meltingly awesome and my favorite new band I discovered all year for the past ten years. Seriously, slap your girlfriend’s father in the face while he is sleeping, they are that good, make great guacamole, and didn’t mind us making a mess of their merch table.

We interviewed them on the last day of our treck, earning valuable insight on the profound significance of meat bees eating cute bunnies alive, getting bitten by crack-heads, pissing off Against Me! fans, the band’s history and plans, and how Scrappy Doo come’s into it. Click below the read it!

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Holy crap! Happy late birthday to Charles Darwin and Abraham Lincoln! The bit two-oh-oh! And of course, On The Origin Of Species turns 1.5 hundred this year (around Thanksgiving, to be vague). I was busy working on a ‘Happy photoshop Birthday’ image, but I got distracted by a certain elemental temple at the bottom of a certain lake. So this will have to do instead:

I’m really fucking happy right now, because I just picked up eight liters of Blue Mountain Dew for four bucks. Bargain. I am a Blue Mountain Dew fiend. And, Mountain Dew people, if you’re reading this, I will dew (heh heh) anything if you were to hook me up with a lifetime supply of Blue Mountain Dew. Anything. Weird stuff. Butt stuff. Just sayin’.

While we’re here, why don’t we have a chat. We never talk anymore. I know we’re all growing up, heading down different paths, chopping up different cherry trees (Schrodinger could never tell a lie…), but we’re all in this together. Maybe you don’t know this, but you, yes YOU, are perfectly capable of submitting data to this website. There’s a little ‘register’ doohickey on the right hand side of this page, click it. Write something. Anything. Something the world can’t live without knowing about. Write about that cute cat I see when I’m walking to the store sometimes. Tell us why the weather makes you angry. Declare war on something. Anything and everything is encouraged (especially if it’s related to SSBC Rock ‘n’ Roll Affiliates somehow). Let us know you’re there.

RIP

Lux Interior

October 31, 1809 - February 4, 2009

On the plus side, I suppose this means Ivy is available now…